A Journey Of Self Forgiveness And Healing

Embracing vulnerability and transparency has been the most courageous thing I have ever done in this lifetime. With those two simple yet profound words my transformative journey towards healing began leading me down a path I could never have forged alone.

They became the catalyst for a remarkable metamorphosis, reshaping not just my life but the very core of my being.

I had to confront my reflection in the mirror, learning to love the person staring back at me. It became clear that before I could extend forgiveness to myself, I had to first master the art of self-love.

This story intimately shares how my life was transformed by seeing the power of love through my heart ~

A quote by E.E. Cummings has echoed profoundly throughout my healing journey spanning the past nine years.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”

As I dove wholeheartedly into my healing journey, I discovered that I would have to have the courage of a lion to embrace and accept my shameful past. Little did I know that courage and self-acceptance would lead the way to finding forgiveness and self-love.

These three things ~

love,

acceptance,

and forgiveness,

were the keys to finding peace so I could move forward without dragging guilt and shame along with me forever.

Forgiveness

Without self-forgiveness, it was going to be a difficult journey ahead. I would continue to beat myself up for my human flaws,

thinking I was the only person on the planet who didn’t love herself, or even know what that meant.

The scar tissue would keep me from becoming free unless I chose to look at it with loving eyes and heal all that was there.

The Truth Of The Unknown Exposed

The unknown path to healing began when I filed for divorce after 19 years of marriage and raising two beautiful children.

The thought of leaving my husband had been churning inside me for almost a decade.

All the beliefs I had grown up with were being questioned and challenged in my mind and heart. It was during this painful season of my life that I discovered the book called “The Alchemist”.

Reading this compelling story began to change my life page by page and the perspectives I held so dear to me for all my years.

In the pages of that book, I unearthed something truly extraordinary that would alter the very core of my being.

I discovered that my beliefs were not stagnant truths, but unexplored territory yet to be unleashed!

My beliefs were meant to be explored and ventured into.

Revisited.

Dumped and even exchanged for new ones.

They could even be reignited with a new refiners fire.

I had no idea that I could change my beliefs!

That was some powerful conditioning that I became aware of as I began to challenge and unravel the lies.

My Heart Began To Unravel And Broken Open Is Who I Became

Six excruciating years followed my heart-wrenching choice for a divorce, in the heat of menopause with a teenage daughter addicted to drugs and alcohol, and a high school son feeling isolated and abandoned, our family was broken and life crashed unbelievably hard.

My dreams of ‘living happily ever after’ with my husband, children, and future grandchildren, happy retirement, and travel, are all gone.

It was all gone.

The impact of these years following my divorce was beyond words. I could never have imagined the depth of the valleys that were going to take me down over and over again. It was like being trapped inside a turbulent wave that wouldn’t stop. All I could do was come up for air in between thrashing at the shore and being dragged back into the abyss, battered but unbroken.

There was nowhere to go.

Nowhere to hide.

Nowhere to turn….. but inside.

I was feeling so confused that I turned every caution to the wind and lived a life of chaos, and excess partying hoping that the loud beats would drown out the deep turmoil of my heart.

Grief, anger, and hostility consumed me. This behavior shielded me from my vulnerability and offered me some temporary respite.

But the further I ran, the stronger the pain became. I eventually learned that there was no solace in the midst of all that madness and I had to turn to God and prayer to find the answers. I was desperately seeking the person who I had lost inside all those lonely years of marriage.

“I yearned for my unspoken voice and freedom for my soul”

The Voice

Then one day it happened.

I heard His soft gentle voice speaking to me.

I was being called to listen in the silence of my room.

I heard the words “Take my yoke and walk with me”.

God was asking me to be still.

To become silent to commune with Him.

In the past, I had pushed His voice aside, and now it seemed to become louder and more persistent.

The more I listened, the more I experienced the freedom of letting go and letting God.

I so desperately needed to release all the sorrow and guilt I was carrying.

Silence And Solitude

As I learned to sit in silence, I would hear His gentle words. I began to understand and learn of the vision he had for my life.

A life of purpose and fulfillment. Something much bigger and on a grand scale.

He was to be my new pilot, and I was the co-pilot, and co-creator with Him. My work was to become more of who he made me to be.

Going through this process of becoming broken open, I realized that HOPE was at my front door

and FAITH would accompany me along my journey as a sacred companion.

This is how my story began, listening to that still small voice. And today, I am still writing it.

His calling for my life has brought me here to serve you.

It is my divine destiny, sacred stewardship, my life’s work, and my heart’s passion all woven together.

It’s God’s perfect work.

Spirits Voice

At one point along the way, I was sitting quietly in my office and his voice became incredibly audible.

Intuitively I knew to grab a pen and paper because the words kept coming.

It was like divine light coming through me as he gently placed his hand on my shoulder.

The poem below was the result of my first experience of God writing through me.

It was truly the most remarkable feeling I had ever experienced.

These “downloads” from God and Spirit have gotten stronger over the years and have filled countless journals.

When I hear them, I immediately grab pen and paper and write as fast as I can to keep up with this beautiful inner voice.

I hope and pray that God uses these words to help heal your soul and your pain.

May you feel the ever presence of your own bright light and voice shining within you.

The Voice Of Spirit ~ My First Poem

She Will Rise

She danced for a long while until she couldn’t dance anymore. 

She was exhausted and fell apart. 

The sadness penetrated the depths of her soul as she spiraled downward. 

But she knew she could not stay down. No.

She must RISE. 

Crawling led to climbing. Back up she went. 

Without hesitation, without a thought. 

In her eyes, there was nowhere else to go. 

The way MUST be UP. 

Following brokenness, devastation,

wailing, heartache,

indescribable loss,

pain, and rivers of tears, 

she reached the first summit and she cried tears of JOY. 

There she was! All by herself. Alive and breathing.

She made it when she knew not how! 

There she stood at a new beginning. 

So many choices, so many different directions to choose from. 

How does she decide? 

She ponders only for a moment.

She knows right away. 

She will follow her heart, her truth, her song. 

Therein lay her Inspiration, her purpose, her JOY.

Her future self.

Now is the time to begin again.

So she did.”

“The spirit of the heart is the fire of one’s life” Shelley Marenka

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lots of love, Shelley