Broken Thoughts Of Grief & Sorrow
JANUARY 8, 2019
For almost a week now I haven't felt like posting anything. I’ve been numb, broken, in disbelief, and raw.
It was New Year’s Eve, the last day of 2018, my daughter and I packed up my black Honda CRV to head up to San Francisco for the evening. Our plans were to attend a Buddhist temple and bring in the new year with a spiritual flair. Neither one of us felt like doing the stereotypical festivities of drinking and dancing the night away. We planned on spending the night in San Francisco and then driving south to LA so my daughter could see her grandparents.
In the morning, we found some amazing bagels in the city and headed south.
We had stopped about halfway into the road trip to sip a warm beverage and do some writing. The words that were scribbled in my new high-performance 2019 journal are all about making room for transformation, soul growth, inspiration, and inner peace. Wow. That sounded pretty great to me until I learned how that was going to come about.
Who would have known that 18 hours after we left home to head to my mom’s, she would die- 12 hours after I arrived?
My daughter never got to see her grandmother alive because she had spent the night at a friend’s nearby. She was the first call I made, after
waking up next to my mom and seeing that God has wisped her life force and transcended it into the heavens.
Listening to the call of our wild souls among the noise, in the darkness, can bring light into our mourning/morning.
An invitation into timeless realities and new possibilities.
I miss her so and the loss hasn't even begun to sink in yet.
The void is yet to be experienced or felt. Like a vast hole in the universe- what will make up the rest of my life?
JANUARY 16, 2019
My Brother’s Birthday- He would have been 65, but he died at 31.
These last two years of my life have been filled with so much sorrow, grief, loss, and longing sometimes I feel like I can't go on.
When you lose your best friend who is your sister and your mom in the same year, life can become unbearable.
My soul cries to the depth of the ocean and my heart has expanded in ways that leave me without words.
We all have heartache and loss. We will all experience grief before too long. All this is a part of being human.
My new journey is calling me on an incredible climb ahead.
We all need help in this life to get by. I’ll be sharing with you my podcasts and videos and look forward to sharing my story on speaking platforms in the future.
If you like my stuff, I would really love and appreciate your follow. God bless you all. xoxoxo
JANUARY 15, 2019
It’s that time- when I shall be vulnerable, courageous, and caring- sharing with all of you about life, love, heartache, divorce, healing, courage, passion, wellness, and most importantly, our head space. Yes, I pray that you will find comfort, inspiration, heart, and courage to step up and feel life in an amazing new way!
I am beginning yet another healing journey from losing my mom to the heavens while at the same time, still grieving the loss of my sister who was my best friend and died just 11 months ago.
So much loss this last year has me feeling numb- no words can begin to describe the feelings that overcome one’s spirit and soul with such great tragedy and sorrow. I tell myself, “I will find them” so I can share with others who are hurting and looking for answers, wanting to heal, begin again and try to walk thru the darkness, not alone, but with love and sympathy from those we know and love.
Let’s walk this life together of grief and sorrow to JOY in the morning.
We need to know we are going to be all right.
We want to feel fully healed and alive again, and we will. 💕❤️💕❤️♥️
JANUARY 18, 2019
When life stands still in a zone too familiar- grief is a place - that can not be found, only experienced and processed thru the heart... moment to moment... at times I feel as if I am frozen in space - a stillness that is overwhelming, motionless, profound, leaving me with no words.
My feelings and emotions seem to soar in the spiritual realm of the expansive universe.
I feel like life is happening all around me, but I am not part of it.... death and grief grip my soul- mama be with me.
January 19, 2019
Keep going. No feeling is forever. In the chains of grief and sorrow, joy seems to be a long-lost friend.
Our vulnerability may feel like a weakness, but the truth is, it is our strength in times of loss and longing. I tell myself to feel my feelings. Every bit of them!
These feelings move me to the end of myself... where brokenness and healing are our unwanted companions.
Opening our hearts wide open and then again. Extending our hands for help is not an act of weakness, but of surrender and love.
I’m not used to asking for help.
Self-love. Acceptance. Knowing. "Don't lose touch with me, nearby is the land they call life.
You will recognize it by its intensity. Give me your hand." Rainer Maria Rilke.
FEBRUARY 23, 2019
As I gaze into the mirror, I ask myself how much longer will my face be steeped in sorrow, in my eyes that shed tears like endless drops of rain. How much longer will my heart ache for my beloved spirits who lived in me when they were alive and well?
I cry from my soul’s longing for what was and what was to be while learning to feel and embrace my beloved’s eternal love in our infinite consciousness. Mom and Shannon, where are you now? Resting? Restoring? Flying with Steven into the expanse of the universe? I long for you to come to get dad and I. Life just saw seems to be unbearable without all of you.
How much longer shall my spirit cry out in hopelessness and what feels like infinite sorrow? My exhausted heart is running a fast and endless race in this space called grief. Every beat of my heart is one more that I wish mom and Shannon had.
With each new day that dawns come uncertainty…..never knowing when grief and mourning will meet me again.
The hours these days are timeless. Silence, stillness, and heartache fill the space. A prism of endless questions and uncertainty fill my head as I lie down in the richness of darkness, with an exchange of labored breathing and stillness of breath.
With God beside me, behind me, above me, in front of me…. No, that’s not it…..He carries me️…..
Love deeply from the heart my friends!
