What Brings You Back to Life?

On self-trust, memories, healing, and returning to what makes you feel alive

Two weeks ago, I hopped on a plane to California. My son Shamus and my daughter Makenna welcomed their baby girl two months ago, and as a first-time grandma, I was more than ready to return for another visit, help out where I could, and soak up more time with little Gracie.

I had already met this little miracle once before, but this was my second trip back... and oh, those tiny cuddles hold so much love.

And while being with them was such a joy, something else was happening too...

I was returning to a part of myself. The part that was once a mother and also a daughter.

Living in Iowa has been meaningful in its own way. It has welcomed healing, reflection, and growth. I’ve been restoring my body's energy, deepening spiritual practices, learning new things, and listening inward in ways that matter deeply to me.

But being back in California reminded me of something I’ve always known:

The ocean and the forest not only bring me back home in my heart, but they return me back to a feeling of aliveness.

When I am away from them too long, something in me begins to ache for their beauty, their rhythm, their aliveness. And when I return, I feel it in my whole being.

A Kind of Homecoming

While I was visiting in LA with my family, I decided to stay a little longer and book myself in a cozy hotel in Manhattan beach where I grew up playing in the sand and surf.

That, too, felt like a kind of homecoming. 

I remembered finding seashells here as a little girl, swimming in the ocean, and I even found the childhood swings where my dad once pushed me. Both my parents are gone now, and yet being there, I felt them with me.

Manhattan Beach

As I walked the shoreline of the beach every morning and rode my bike along the strand in the sunny afternoons, I could feel memories flooding in. 

Love, grief, and gratitude all living together in the same breath.

And somewhere in the middle of it, I realized this:

Sometimes self-trust looks like giving yourself permission to return to what makes you feel alive.

And maybe this is part of self-love too... letting go of who might think what, asking self-doubt to take a back seat, and honoring what you feel called to do. It means no longer silencing your voice, your heart, or the truth of what feels alive within you.

The Ache of Leaving

I’m still here, right now as I am writing this, and if I’m honest, I don’t really want to leave.

Being here, I feel the presence of my childhood, my family, and so much love wrapped into this place. I remember the amazing success I had running several fitness businesses here in the beach area over several decades. 

Training clients on the sand and yelling ‘come on, just 5 more.’

There is a part of me that feels afraid that when I fly back to Iowa, I’ll be leaving them all here again... and that my heart will ache with the emptiness of missing them.

But what I hope — and what I’m choosing to trust — is that this love does not stay behind. 

That somehow, through this experience, their presence comes with me.

That what has been awakened here, lives on in my heart, wherever I go.

Trusting the Unknown

We do not always know where life is leading us. Sometimes we are simply asked to follow what feels true, take the next step, and trust what unfolds.

I have lived in the unknown more times than I can count. And while it has not always been easy, it has taught me something beautiful: life often works best when I stop forcing, stop gripping, and allow more flow. Flow is good.

That does not mean doing nothing.

It means listening.
Trusting.
Following what feels alive.
Letting life meet me as I meet myself with more openness, courage, and grace.

Healing the Past, Living Now

For me, healing the past has not meant staying there.

It has meant honoring what was, receiving the wisdom, and still remembering to live now.

To love now.
To take the trip now.
To breathe in beauty now.

To let joy and grief exist in the same heart without believing one cancels out the other.

This is part of self-trust.
This is part of freedom.
And this is part of becoming…

For so many women, self-abandonment can look like pushing through, 

delaying joy, 

or even convincing ourselves that what we need can wait.

But what if part of becoming who you truly are is learning to trust what calls you back to life?

Returning to Love

For me, this trip felt like that.

A return to love.
A return to memories.
A return to my own heart.

And maybe the question is this:

What brings you back to life?
And have you given yourself permission to return to it?

If this spoke to your heart, I’d be so grateful if you’d leave a comment and share it with someone who may need it too.

Shelley Marenka 💛👑 | Self-Love Sage | Ageless Alchemist ✨