The Transformative Gift Of Grief, Loss and Love
GRIEF AND LOSS ARE NOTHING LIKE YOU MAY THINK UNTIL YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED THEM FULL THROTTLE
Losing my most precious best friend and sister to death from cancer, was an immeasurable loss, leaving me in disbelief, with no words.
My heart had been broken open, beyond measure and I felt as if I would never ever recover. I wanted to go with her.
We had dreams of living a long, happy life together, sitting in our white rockers in our 90s, on our wrap-around porch, watching the grandkids run and play with the animals, and singing out in the meadows as kids do, while doing cartwheels with the majestic mountain range in the backdrop.
That dream was no more. I felt hopeless for life.
Then, the unimaginable happened. My beloved mother, and another even younger sister, died, all in 18 months.
Seriously, this felt like full throttle ahead.
I had so many questions of the heart that they filled a minimum of 8 sizeable book journals over the last 3 years with grieving thoughts, random ideas from love and loss, the meaning of life, spiritual seeking, deep feelings of angst, and never-ending ways of how we can find the power and will to live after unfathomable, unexpected trauma and tragedy.
Towards the end of my grieving process, years later, my questions changed and I found myself asking, “What can I do with this heartwrenching grief and loss and how can I turn it into reverence and gratitude?” I don’t even know where this question came from in my consciousness, but it showed up at the right time and seemed deserving of again, another answer.
This question, by no means, is the first one that may cross your mind after losing someone dear to you. But these next questions may be the ones that constantly have you seeking answers and dropping you to your knees. This was my story.
I asked myself,
What can I do with these powerless feelings I’m experiencing from grief and loss that have me constantly dropping to my knees?
How can I even begin to process and unravel these brutal, broken open windows of emotion around the sadness I feel?
And how do I find the energy and courage to go on day to day after such deep trauma and loss?
Even now, 3 years later, my heart feels so tender and still a little bit broken because today we would have celebrated my other sister, Sharlene’s birthday.
On July 9th she would have arrived at the fine young age of 60. What a spitfire she was. She made me laugh so hard!
If she hadn’t left, she would be here. But she’s not, and so her light remains.
So is life. Here today and gone tomorrow. We will never know what tomorrow will bring.
On this special birthday of hers, I’m feeling uncomfortable emotions that trigger me back to the day that I got the call.
I felt numb. My heart had no more space to even feel another death.
I have never forgotten how the feelings of loss and grief lingered in my heart and mind for so many days, months, and years after her death.
As I sit here on a warm, sunny morning, the sun is moving into my backyard in Santa Barbara, California. I’m wanting to write somewhat of a tribute to my sister Sharlene because it feels right to honor her on her birthday, for her spirited life, and for all the gifts she left behind for many of us.
And at the same time, I have a desire to try and explain what grief can feel like because you can never even fathom it until you’re in it.
I want to talk about grief because so many people don’t. I want you to talk about grief so others can learn.
And when people don’t talk about it, they can feel so incredibly alone. Sometimes even ashamed of what they are feeling and needing.
Grief gets buried because it hurts. And when it eventually comes out, it can come out sideways and wonky.
Grief is hard because we often do it alone, but it’s a tribal thing.
Death is not a sentence.
It’s a new life. (but this is for another article)
Grief is a sacred gift to the soul and feeling all parts of it helped me to understand death more deeply.
I discovered that it’s the spiral downward into the vast unknown that eventually heals us.
Sitting in the stillness, right here at the moment, I hold her close to my heart. Dear one, you are so missed.
The grieving process of my divine soul’s journey seemed to last forever, (because Sharlene’s death was on the heels of my mother and sister Shannon’s death)
Walking about with my wandering soul, one of the many enlightening teachings I learned while being present to the thought that they are no longer here,
is this.
Sometimes there are no answers. None. Nada.
And eventually, over a long while, I accepted this fact.
We are not to know all the answers, and this is where my fearless faith, trust, and discovery of my divinity became the lighthouse of hope.
I learned that the ‘not knowing’ is simply a part of life that is inescapable. And there is beauty in this simple fact.
LOVING WHAT IS AND LETTING IT GO
Many years ago I was listening to a famous thought leader that I admired, and he was sharing the idea that when he had unanswered questions, after a while he chose to put them in the “do not know file” and file it away. He let it go. He surrendered to the unknowing and to the greater I AM.
I was taught something incredibly valuable that day. I thought that this act of letting go was a pretty profound idea and I started applying it to my life as well.
This idea of surrendering and letting go became my reality and my friend during my grieving and long afterward.
I often found myself alone in silence and solitude, wondering why all this trauma and tragedy had to happen,
and this file of ‘do not know’ became a safe haven for me to gently place and file away my sacred unanswered questions about life.
And in an uncanny way, I often felt as if this WAS the answer.
Inside this learning, it was so important for me to embrace serious self-care, and be patient with myself, while being present with compassion.
This was the way to move thru to the other side safely and soundly I thought.
And in doing so, I could process all of my grief without having to have all the answers.
WHEN SPIRIT SPEAKS
Oftentimes, I found myself in a place of really wanting to know the unknowing ~ and I would hear a soft, gentle voice of compassion and love.
And it was thru this opening, that I was able to receive sacred guidance and support from spirit.
My own inner knowing gave me the answers I needed to know and I left the rest in the do not know file.
Eventually, after going thru the tunnel stages of grief, I was able to let the other questions go answered and be at peace with them.
I felt so much freedom in my spiritual surrender to the unknowing.
This grieving place of pain and sorrow now has a new space, within my heart and soul, filled with peace and love.
A RENEWED PERSPECTIVE OF THE HEART
Today, I hear the ringing of the bells in a completely different way. I’m imagining that you know the rhythm and the sound.
It’s the church bells ringing either in celebration or solemn ceremony.
Previously feeling my pain, my heart wounds, and my sadness in solemn ceremony has now shifted into a celebration of vast appreciation and intimate love for my loved ones’ lives.
I feel my awakened heart holding immense gratitude for the lessons we taught each other, the laughter, happiness, and joy we shared, and the tremendous gift their presence brought here on earth to so many people.
This one thing I find amazing ~ how my perspective on life, love, and loss has changed as I healed and transformed my heart and soul
during the devasting grief process.
I’ve become someone I hadn’t known before. Someone who is more compassionate, loving, and understanding, treasuring every sacred moment in the here and now.
This deep love I have for God, my mother, and my two sisters have expanded exponentially into a magnificent, miraculous love I’ve never known before.
Maybe, this is the beautiful silver lining we can all learn from such deep love and loss.
There are events in life that can leave us feeling like we can’t go on. These are the ones that transform us, give us courage, and offer us the opportunity for growth and expansion of our hearts and soul. It’s never easy looking at the obstacles and burdens in front of us, but there is always a way thru, even if you go around them.
I discovered that grief is a very individual sacred process for each of us. Finding your own personal path to healing is the right path for you.
No matter where it winds and turns.
PS This morning before I began writing this, I read these words below and I feel they are meant to be here along with my message of love, loss, and freedom.
“Pain is just pure energy moving thru us. If you resist it, it will hurt. But if you ride it, breathe with it, allow it to come, it can move thru you.
with lots of love and heart
Shelley
Sharing my heart: On my sister’s one-year anniversary I created a youtube video. Maybe in some way, it can help you during your difficult process. Keep in mind though, that this was one year past her death and a lot can happen in our hearts during this time. So if you are new to your grief, please be so patient and compassionate with yourself and remember that you are pure love and pure light.
And eventually, beautiful soul, your light will shine again as mine has.
It just takes time… grace, faith, hope and as always, LOVE.
Love and acceptance are part of the grieving process and these two virtues can help us go on while still doing our best to function in life.
